reading time approximately 7 minutes
Enneagram 8, also known as The Protector or The Boss, is known for strength, determination, and a strong need for autonomy. They effortlessly take the lead and stand up for justice. But behind their powerful aura often lies a deep-seated fear of vulnerability.
What happens when they let go of control? What if they learn that real strength lies not in power, but in trust? In this blog you will discover:
- Why Enneagram 8 seeks control and how this stems from a deeper fear
- How their tendency to self- protect can lead to distance and loneliness
- The power of vulnerability and how it strengthens their relationships and inner peace
Wondering if you are in the role of an Enneagram 8? Take our Enneagram test and find out which type best describes you!
The urge for control:
Where does it come from?
For an Enneagram 8, control feels like a necessity. Not because they necessarily want to be the boss but because it gives them a sense of security. They trust in their strength, take the lead, and don’t let anyone impose anything on them. But where does this urge come from?
Why Enneagram 8 always wants to take the lead
Type 8s believe deep down: if I’m in control, no one can touch me. They prefer to do everything themselves, because dependence makes them vulnerable. Others may fail, doubt or drop out, but an Enneagram 8 remains.
Letting go feels uncomfortable, maybe even dangerous. Because if they don’t decide for themselves what happens, who will? For them, taking the lead is not just a choice, but a survival strategy.
How their childhood laid the foundation for their need for control
Many Enneagram 8 s learned early on that they had to take care of themselves. Perhaps they grew up in an environment where weakness was not accepted. Perhaps the people around them were unpredictable, so they had to find their own strength.
They developed an attitude to life of:
- I do take care of myself.
- I don’t let anyone decide what I should do.
- I don’t allow anyone to hurt me.
What started as protection became a way of life. Control felt safer than trust. But what if real power is not in always fighting, but in sometimes letting go? That is where the greatest growth for an Enneagram 8 lies.
The challenge:
Vulnerability is not a weakness
For an Enneagram 8, vulnerability feels like a risk. Control gives something to hold on to, a sense of security. But is that really the case? Or does it keep them trapped in a constant state of alertness?
Why control doesn’t always provide safety
Type 8s have learned that being strong means being in control. But control requires energy. Always being in control also means: always being on. And that can be exhausting.
The ironic thing is that the urge for control does not always make them safer but rather puts them at a distance. Others feel their strength, but not always their softness. This can make relationships complicated because people sometimes withdraw or do not dare to ask questions.
Real safety is not in controlling everything around you but in trusting that you are strong enough, even without control.
How letting go actually makes you more powerful
Showing vulnerability doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means that you dare to show who you really are without your armor. And that requires courage.
Letting go does not mean that you give up on yourself but that you make space. Space to feel. Space to let others come closer. Space does not always have to be the strongest.
Only when an Enneagram 8 dares to relax and trust, do they discover that their strength is not only in power and control, but in the balance between decisiveness and openness. And that makes them not only a strong leader, but also a deeply connected person.
The pitfall: Denying of emotions
Being strong means continuing. Don’t break. Don’t hesitate. For an Enneagram 8, that is the way to stand your ground in a world that does not always feel safe. Feelings? They will come later. Or rather, they don’t come at all. Because if you ignore them, they can’t weaken you either… nevertheless?
How Enneagram 8 tucks away feelings to stay strong
Type 8s feel just as deep as anyone else, maybe even deeper. But they don’t always show it. Showing emotions feels vulnerable. Vulnerability means that someone can hurt you. So they push it away.
Anger is allowed to be there because that gives strength. But fear, sadness, or doubt? These are weak spots that are better hidden. Because once, perhaps a long time ago, a Type 8 learned that you don’t survive with gentleness. Being strong means that you don’t give in to emotion.
The problem? What you don’t feel doesn’t disappear. It piles up somewhere below the surface until it expresses itself in a different way. Often in the form of confrontation.
Why confrontations are sometimes a defense mechanism
An Enneagram 8 does not wait. If something is not right, they say so. If something needs to be done, they take matters into their own hands. And if someone gets too close emotionally or in a way that makes them insecure, they push back.
Confrontation is often not an attack, but a shield. A way to keep control, not to get hurt. By taking the first step, they stay in the power position. They test people: do you stay or do you drop out?
But sometimes this scares others away. While the 8 may long for connection deep down, they create distance with their defense. Not on purpose, but because they have not learned otherwise.
Enneagram 8 in Relationships:
Space, Trust, and Balance
Love is intense for an Enneagram 8. They give everything, protect their loved ones, and take responsibility. However, their powerful energy can also be dominant, which sometimes makes the other person feel less seen.
How their intense energy affects relationships
Type 8s are loyal and dedicated. They take charge and make sure everything goes well. Not to dominate but because they believe that it is their job to protect.
Yet, this can feel suffocating for the other person. There seems to be little room for your own input because Enneagram 8 has already arranged everything. While deep down, they long for connection, their urge for control can actually create distance.
Why letting go and listening are essential
Letting go does not mean that you care less about the other person but that you create space for mutual trust. Not everything needs to be solved or controlled. Sometimes, listening is enough.
A healthy relationship for a Type 8 is all about balance: protecting without dominating, showing strength, but also being open. Only when they learn that love is not only in control, but also in trust, real connection is created.
From Control to Trust: The Road to Growth
For an Enneagram 8, control feels like security. But always being in control is exhausting. Real power is not in continuous fighting but in daring to relax.
How an Enneagram 8 can find inner peace
Always being alert costs energy. Only when an Enneagram 8 teaches that they don’t have to control everything, there is room for rest. This doesn’t mean that they lose their power, but that they use it in a new way—with more balance and less tension.
The importance of opening up and connecting
The real connection does not arise through control but through openness. When an Enneagram 8 dares to be vulnerable, trust grows in themselves and in others.
The road to growth lies in the realization that you are not less strong if you let go. Sometimes, the greatest strength is daring to trust life and the people around you.
Special Meditation Enneagram 8:
From Control to Trust
Do you recognize yourself in this? Do you often feel the urge to stay in control, stay strong, and not depend on others? But do you also feel the need for rest, relaxation, and real connection deep inside?
That’s why we’ve developed a special Enneatype meditation that helps you grow from control to trust. In this meditation:
- Awareness: Find out why you always want to take charge and how this affects your energy.
- Letting go: Learn how to ease tension and control without feeling vulnerable.
- Inner peace: Experience what it is like to just ‘be’ without the urge to always have to be strong or in control.
Soon, we will launch this meditation. Do you want to be the first to know? Sign up for our newsletter and receive all the details as soon as the time comes.
Because real strength is not in control, but in trust.
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🎁 As a welcome gift, you will receive a short, recorded introduction from us: “Transformation begins in feeling – an introduction to the enneagram.”
In this 4-minute audio, John takes you into the essence of the enneagram. He explains how your personality came about as a survival strategy and why real change is only possible if you are willing to feel.
